Understanding School Anxiety and How to Help Kids Overcome It

In recent years, there has been a growing concern about the rise in school-related anxiety, particularly among children and adolescents. This phenomenon, often referred to as "school refusal" or "school phobia," isn’t just about kids avoiding school because they don’t want to go, it’s a much deeper issue. In many cases, it’s anxiety-driven, where the thought of going to school triggers overwhelming feelings of fear and distress.

School refusal is more than a child refusing to get out of bed in the morning or dragging their feet to the car. It’s about them feeling like they genuinely can’t go to school. This anxiety makes school feel like a place that isn’t safe, even though it might not appear dangerous to everyone else. In this article, we’ll take a closer look at school anxiety, why it happens, and what we as parents, educators, and community members can do to help.

School Refusal: What It Really Means

When we talk about school refusal, it’s essential to clarify that it isn’t a form of rebellion or laziness. Often, children who experience school-related anxiety want to attend school and may even enjoy certain aspects of it, such as seeing friends or participating in favourite subjects or activities. However, their anxiety creates an internal barrier that feels impossible to overcome.

For some children, this anxiety is so intense that it activates their brain’s fight-or-flight response. In moments of heightened stress, the brain signals that danger is near, even when there’s no clear threat. This can lead to behaviors that seem puzzling or disruptive to adults. A child might become combative and resist getting ready in the morning (fight response), or they might hide, shut down, and avoid school altogether (flight response). The child isn’t being difficult on purpose; they are reacting to what their brain perceives as a threat.

The Role of Adults: Creating a Supportive, Safe Environment

One of the most important things for parents and teachers to understand is that a child who is struggling with school anxiety needs a supportive, understanding environment. They cannot manage or "cure" this anxiety on their own. Children need the adults in their lives to provide reassurance, structure, and a feeling of safety.

When a child feels safe, they are more likely to face their fears and begin the gradual process of overcoming their anxiety. It’s important to remember that school refusal isn’t something that can be fixed overnight. It often requires a coordinated effort, involving parents, teachers, school counsellors, and sometimes a mental health professional. This coordinated response is sometimes referred to as a "wrap-around" approach, where everyone works together to support the child.

What Does It Take to Change School Anxiety?

So, how do we begin to help a child who is refusing to go to school because of anxiety? The foundation for overcoming school anxiety is built on three key relationships:

1. The relationship between the child and the teacher. The child needs to feel that their teacher cares about them, not just as a student, but as a person. When children know they are cared for by their teacher, it helps create a sense of security.
2. The relationship between the parents and the teacher. Parents need to trust that their child’s teacher is looking out for their well-being. When parents believe that the school environment is a safe place for their child, it reduces their own anxiety, which in turn helps the child feel calmer about attending school.
3. The relationship between the child and the parents. Parents are the primary source of support for their children, and when children know that their parents believe they are capable of going to school, it helps boost their confidence. However, it’s crucial that parents approach this with empathy and patience, acknowledging the real fears their child is experiencing.

When any of these elements are missing, the process of overcoming school anxiety can stall. But when all three relationships are strong, the child has a much better chance of successfully returning to school and managing their anxiety.

It’s Not About Blame

It’s essential to point out that parents and teachers are not to blame for a child’s school anxiety. Anxiety can arise for many reasons, some of which may not be immediately clear. However, while adults don’t cause the anxiety, they are in a unique position to help alleviate it. Children look to the adults around them for guidance, comfort, and reassurance. When the adults in a child’s life work together to create a sense of safety and security, the child’s anxiety can begin to decrease.

Of course, there are situations where a child’s anxiety may be rooted in legitimate concerns, such as bullying or feeling unsafe in their school environment. In these cases, addressing the root cause of the anxiety is crucial. But in many instances, the anxiety isn’t caused by a specific threat; rather, it’s a general feeling of unease. This is where adults can step in to provide support.

What Schools Can Do to Help

For a child to feel safe enough to return to school, they need to feel a strong connection to at least one adult at school. This could be a teacher, a counsellor, a coach, or even a school nurse. The important thing is that the child knows there is someone they can turn to when they are feeling anxious or overwhelmed.

Schools should ask themselves, which adult in our building is this child connected to? If the answer is unclear, it may be necessary to foster a relationship between the child and a caring adult in the school community. Building strong relationships helps students feel like they belong, and feeling a sense of belonging is one of the most powerful antidotes to school anxiety.

It’s important to recognise that, while many schools put a lot of effort into making their students feel welcomed and supported, some children may not respond to these efforts in the same way. Schools need to actively seek feedback from students to understand how they feel about their school experience. If a child says they don’t feel supported or connected, it doesn’t mean the school is failing; it simply means that more individualised efforts might be needed to reach that particular student.

Why Relationships Matter in Schools

Numerous studies have shown that students are more likely to succeed academically when they feel a sense of belonging at school. When students feel connected to the adults in their school, they are more engaged in learning and better able to manage their emotions. This is why schools that excel in academic achievement are often the same schools that prioritise building strong, positive relationships between staff and students.

Teachers play a crucial role in creating this sense of connection. By showing students that they care about them as individuals, teachers can help reduce the anxiety that many children feel about school. For example, simply greeting students at the door with a smile and acknowledging them by name can go a long way in making them feel seen and valued.

Questions for Parents to Consider

As a parent, you play a vital role in helping your child overcome school anxiety. To start, it can be helpful to ask yourself two important questions:

1. Do I believe my child is safe at school? If you have concerns about your child’s safety or well-being at school, it’s essential to address these concerns with the school staff. Open communication between parents and teachers is key to creating a safe, supportive environment for your child.
2. Do I believe my child is capable of being at school? It’s natural to feel anxious when your child is struggling, but it’s also important to remind yourself (and your child) that they are strong and capable. Even if they don’t feel ready to return to school right now, they have the ability to overcome their fears with the right support.

What if My Child Won’t Even Leave the Car?

For some children, school anxiety can be so intense that they refuse to even step out of the car when it’s time to go to school. This can be incredibly frustrating for parents, but it’s important to understand that your child’s refusal isn’t about being difficult, it’s about them feeling completely overwhelmed.

In these situations, it’s crucial not to force the issue. Pushing a child to attend school when they aren’t ready can make the problem worse. Instead, schools and parents need to work together to create a plan that gradually helps the child feel more comfortable with the idea of returning to school. This might involve smaller steps, such as visiting the school building after hours, spending time with a trusted teacher, or practicing mindfulness techniques to manage anxiety.

When the adults in the child’s life send the message that "We believe in you, and we’re here to support you," the child is more likely to begin the slow but steady process of overcoming their fears.

What if School Doesn’t Feel Safe?

While school anxiety often stems from internal fears, there are times when the school environment genuinely doesn’t feel safe for a child. This might be due to bullying, harsh disciplinary practices, or a lack of emotional support. In these cases, it’s essential to address the root cause of the anxiety.

Parents and schools need to work together to create an environment where every child feels safe, supported, and valued. This might involve changing school policies, providing additional training for staff, or implementing programs that promote a more inclusive, compassionate school culture.

Changing the School Environment

When a child’s needs aren’t being met in the school environment, there are two primary options: either change the environment or try to change the child’s needs. Since safety is a fundamental need, it cannot be compromised. Therefore, if a child doesn’t feel safe at school, it’s the environment that must change, not the child.

One of the most effective ways to make a school environment feel safer is by focusing on relationships. When students have strong, positive relationships with the adults in their school, they are more likely to feel safe and supported. Schools that prioritise relationship-building often see improvements in both student behavior and academic achievement.

The Pressures on Teachers

Teachers are under immense pressure to cover the curriculum and ensure that students meet academic standards. Unfortunately, this can sometimes get in the way of building strong relationships with students. Many teachers feel torn between the demands of the curriculum and the need to support their students emotionally.

It’s important for schools to recognise that academic success and emotional well-being go hand-in-hand. When students feel safe and supported, they are more likely to engage in learning and perform well academically. Teachers need the time, resources, and support to prioritise relationship-building, even in the face of academic pressures.

Conclusion: Working Together to Overcome School Anxiety

School anxiety is a complex issue, but it’s one that can be addressed with patience, empathy, and collaboration. By working together—parents, teachers, and schools—we can create an environment where children feel safe, supported, and capable of facing their fears. Overcoming school anxiety is a journey, but with the right support, every child has the potential to thrive.